Know His Type: 7 Ways Men Feel about Tom Brady’s Balls

Tom Brady Suit

We honestly thought it was a joke when we read that the “Deflategate” scandal is once again a thing.  Incriminating evidence may suggest that the Patriots knowingly deflated footballs to gain an advantage.  There are reports of secret emails and texts to Patriots equipment staffer, Jim McNally a.k.a “The Deflater” from Brady himself. You really can’t make this stuff up.

The conspiracy gets more hilarious with every new development.  Allegedly, the Deflator took the balls into the bathroom of all places to deflate them with a needle, in exchange for an autographed Brady jersey.  We can’t decide if deflating balls for NFL memorabilia is worse than making up a fake girlfriend and then concocting her tragic demise.

The Patriots have been fined $1million as punishment and Brady has been suspended for four games.  All reports seem to say that the deflation really had no impact on the game outcome itself (throwing is easier, but when you run with the ball soft or hard – it doesn’t matter).   In any case, when the Mark Zuckerberg of football gets caught in a lie, the fallout is not pretty.  For a full overview of the facts click here. If the facts put you to sleep, check out our interpretation of some classic reactions to Tom Brady’s balls:


6.  Game of Groans:

His reaction:  “Let the liar burn! Winter is coming.”

What it means:  He’s a rule follower who does not take pity on those who break the code.  He also may be jealous of Tom Brady’s “I’m-Not-Trying-But-Still-Look-Amazing” facial stubble.


5.  Over Analyzer

His reaction:  A longwinded soliloquy about the rise of the Patriots, Brady’s strength in the face of adversity and his relationship with coach Bill Belichick who claims innocence.

What it means:  He’s striking out on Tinder with overly long replies and bathroom shirtless selfies featuring a god-awful shower curtain and a Costco sized bottle of Head and Shoulders in the background.


4.  It’s Part of the Gamer

His reaction:  “If you come to my house for dinner, I make the cheesecake my way.  It’s just another form of home field advantage.”

What it means: He is a fierce competitor that does what it takes to win.  He also really likes cheesecake.


3.  Brady Daddy

His reaction:  “It’s a PR move by the league. There is no way this is deserving of a four game suspension. They are just trying to make an example of Brady to make it seem like they are cracking down on violations.”

What it means:  He’s still bitter about his divorce.


2.  Deflaters Gonna Deflate

His reaction:  “There are cheaters and those who walk the line of the rules in every game, whether it be steroids or tampering with equipment.  The more strict the rules, the harder they work to break them.”

What it means:  He claims he has no idea how that Taylor Swift playlist got into his iTunes.


1.  Hockey Fan

His reaction:  “I have no idea what you are talking about. Stop mentioning Tom Brady’s balls while I’m eating.”

What it means: NHL Playoffs are on.

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