Holy Baseball: Pope Francis Gives Advice to the Yankees and Mets

Pope Francis

XXIV Septem, Anno Domini MMXV

Dear New York City:

Mi gente, it has taken me 78 years to arrive in the USA and visit New York City. I am here to spread peace, love and salvation, but I will throw in my two cents on your two beisbol teams. Here goes.

It was great to visit Yankee stadium. Love the white uniforms. Que lindo! The nachos didn’t have that “melt in your mouth” body of Christ-ish quality that I’m used to, but still bueno.

I have learned that my Yankee sons had a hard time against the Blue Jays the other night. ¡Dios mío! Isn’t that the team from Canada? My advice is this, you must view the bases as you would the mystery of the Holy Trinity.  There are not three bases, there is one – one that counts – home base. Without this, you will never achieve eternal life (aka you will get yourself traded).  And p.s the Blue Jays pitcher Marcus Stroman always wears a big crucifix. Coincidence? Let’s see who’s going to the playoffs.

I’d also like to see an improved batting stance from a few of you out there.  To use a parable,  Jesus carried a massive wooden cross across town, meanwhile all you must do is hold that little bat and swing.  The “Estaciones de la Cruz” position is how all the farm teams in Argentina learn to hit.  Start visualizing the other team as a mob of angry Roman soldiers and get it done.  When in doubt, I find the sacrifice fly can be a crowd pleaser.

About the Mets.  First of all, the new Citi Field is a true cathedral. And Shake Shak burgers, now that is my kind of Eucharist.    I have heard the prayers from Mets pitcher Jacob deGrom, who had his last turn in the rotation skipped.  My son, trust in the faith of your coaches.  Also, you may want to consider wearing a zucchetto like mine on your head. Realmente maravilloso for keeping long hair out of your eyes.  Unless, you want to go the crown of thorns route, but that is complicated for obvious reasons.

Not to talk about food so much, but all this traveling makes me hungry.  You may want to switch from sunflower seeds to bread in the dugout, you need the carbs.  And I’m not gonna judge if you want to throw some wine in the water bottle, like we do back home.

Speaking of bebidas, another thing I love about beisbol is the Gatorade baptism for the big game winner.  ADM, I may have to steal this. Such a great way to put a new spin on things. We are really trying to appeal to a younger demográfico of potential Catholics and this twist could be a game changer. “Gatorade de Santo” has such a nice ring to it. But no way the branding department at the Vatican will go for the orange flavor for baptisms.  They are going to want to see something with a more heavenly vibe like Riptide Rush or Fierce Grape.

Adiós for now, but any quick tips for getting grass stain out of white? Kneeling in Central Park was murder on my robe.

Amor y Santidad,

Pope Francis

p.s I heard a rumor that there is another Big Papi in beisbol. Tell him to say his prayers.

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