The bro-bowl is upon us, and if you need a little inspiration to keep you going beyond the commercials and half-time show, this is a list for you.  From Dan Marino’s arm pits to spray-on steroids here are seven back stories to watch unfold during Super Bowl XLVII:

Ray vs Rudolph

Raven Ray Lewis is trying to deflect rumors that he used deer flavored Binaca (a banned substance) to cure a torn tricep. It would be hard to believe such a ridiculous claim, until you listen to Lewis spew verbal diarrhea that never really denies the allegations outright.  Let’s hope his retirement into the hall of fame doesn’t get him off the hook from using Rudolph roids.  And yes, Lance has done those too.

Sharpie vs Uniball

San Francisco coach Jim Harbaugh is known for his classic whistle/sharpie necklace combo.  For the record, he doesn’t like it to be called a necklace, and pledges that a good coach should never leave home without a whistle.  Unless he’s taking hits off the sharpie fumes, we’d love to see him swap out the marker for a more elegant writing tool for the big game.

Joy vs Jealousy

San Francisco’s Alex Smith will be on the sidelines, while the former back-up quarterback Kaepernick maintains a stronghold on stealing his thunder.  They say Smith has been actively involved in Kaepernick’s training and is supporting him in any way that he can.  We on the other hand, will be watching closely to see any signs of “shouldda been me dammit” on Smith’s face as he watches the game.

Beyoncé vs Milli Vanilli

Beyoncé nailed the damage control Super Bowl press conference, by belting out the national anthem a cappella.  All eyes will be on her during the half time show to see if she can bring it without a backing track.  Unless the haters have also sang live during the most watched show in television history, while dancing in heels and skin tight clothes, they should have nothing more to say to Beyoncé.

Family vs the Field

The parents of the battling Harbaugh bros are in for an awkward evening of trying to stay neutral.  Should they clap? Not clap? Clap all the time? Wave the flag of Switzerland?  And let’s not forget about the Harbaugh sister Joani, wife to Indiana basketball coach Tom Crean.  Joani says she’s more focused on her own immediate family this week.  We predict she’ll be rooting for the brother who can lock up the game in the fastest time because her son has to study for a science test.

Marino vs Baby Mama

Dan Marino, was just outed for having had an affair and allegedly paying off his former girlfriend who fathered his child seven years ago.  He’s keeping the private matter under wraps for now, but has to be wishing the badly timed scandal was not following him to the Super Bowl broadcast desk.  Stay tuned for pit stains.

Culliver vs Sweet Stuff

As if football wasn’t barbaric enough, they are actually allowing San Francisco’s Chris Culliver to play in the Super Bowl days after making anti-gay remarks.  Not the most articulate bigot out there, Culliver rambled something about “Ain’t got no gay people on the team…can’t be with that sweet stuff.” Join us in cheering when Culliver learns what man-on-man feels like in the form of a 400lb Ravens tackle.

UP NEXT:  TUNE IN ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY FEB 3^RD at 6:30pmET

Bust out your Binaca (cinnamon, no deer flavor please) and join us for Super Bowl XLVII.  Lena and Jules’ live alternative commentary will run throughout the game.  Listen and chat live with us here.

Newsflash TV networks: if Sunday night football was as much fun to watch as the Olympics, waaaay more of us would watch it (without taking a nap).  Olympic fever is somehow contagious even though apart from a few stars, no one had heard of any of these athletes before the games began. But host a track suit parade, light up a torch and suddenly there is an army of national heroes hurling themselves toward gold as we hold back tears.

The bad news is that the Olympics last for just a heartbeat and when it’s all over we fall right back into stop, start stagnation at the line of scrimmage. You have no doubt seen the NFL commercials during the Olympics coverage for anyone worried that there will be nothing else to watch when the torch goes out.  Since we will soon be saying “Goodbye podium, hello Imodium” here are our suggestions on what football can borrow from the Olympics to be more watchable:

8.  Get a Team Balance Beam

There is no event more gripping than the physical and emotional drama played out during women’s Olympic gymnastics.  These miniature running backs could add a new element to the football team by back flipping over the defensive line, peppered with intermittent sobbing into their spandex when they miss a landing or a touch down.  For the record, we are crying right along there with you girls so rock on.

7.  Less Blubber More Bolt

Let’s all accept that a 400 pounder huffing and puffing to take three steps toward a tackle cannot be called an athlete.  A person also stops being an athlete when any part of his/her body develops rolls that cannot fit into the team uniform.  What football needs is a blast of speed and real athleticism from a charismatic sprinter like Usuain Bolt who would gladly even DJ the Super Bowl party.

6.  Michael Phelps as Quarterback

We thought no man could be as perfect as Tom Brady, but then came the golden boy in a bathing suit.  Michael Phelps has nothing on Tom in the looks department, but occasionally when he remembers to close his mouth (breathe through your nose please) he can look almost handsome if a ripped Amazon-long torso is your thing.  As part fish and national hero, Phelps is so good at a range of events; he could probably out throw Brady with a little practice and his iPod.  Imagine the bling if he racked up 22 Super Bowl rings to match his Olympic medals.

5.  Start the Season with a Fashion Show

An NFL opening ceremony would be a great way for fans to take notice of new uniform color schemes, team logos and of course see players before they are grass-stained and sweat helmeted.  We can skip the fireworks and the historical reenactment scenes unless the Spice Girls are still looking for work.

4.  Cut the Replay Turn on the Home Video

Forcing us to watch a fumble 13 times from every imaginable angle after the fact is not changing the fact that there was a fumble!   Enough with these replays. Most of us in modern times can press rewind on the TV if we really want to see it again.  Now show us some blurry VHS footage of the same guy fumbling in his high school championship game in 1989 and you have our attention.  Having a glimpse into the personal lives of players is far more interesting than delaying the game with slow motion special effects.  We could watch the tape of Missy Franklin crushing a bunch of fellow six-year-olds at her local swim meet all day.

3.  Only Play for 4 Weeks Every 4 Years

Sorry London but you are special because we only want to see the Olympics once in a while.  How refreshing to get into the excitement every four years.  Year-round Olympic events? Not so much.  There is a limit to how much televised judo we can handle.  Football should do a similar strip tease and try out the benefits of less is more.  There would only be one way to describe a condensed 1-month long football season: a beauty.

2.  Bring the Crowns to Town

Your event is a bust these days without an appearance by the royal family’s hip new duo Willy-ton or Willy in the Middle as we like to call them.  We have yet to see Kate and William at an NFL game (likely forbidden by the royal code of civilized behavior) but maybe they’d make an exception with an invite from the Obamas.  Let’s just not invite Victoria Beckham to the NFL season opener because she used up all her minutes bored-texting during Wimbledon.

1.  Less Beefcake More Handshake

One of the most refreshing things about watching Olympic athletes is that for the most part they are driven by heart and not by paycheck.  Having a football season where no one is paid more than the average public school teacher or water polo hopeful might allow players to focus more on what matters and just play the game.  Just ask Olympian Oscar Pistorius what matters – he has no legs but he can still run faster than you (and most of the NFL for that matter).

UP NEXT

August 12th London 2012 Olympics Closing Ceremony – Follow @WhileMenWatch live tweeting throughout the ceremony

Lena & Jules broadcast commentary during the US Open September 9th 4pmET.  Cancelled Due to Weather

Next Show:  Sunday Night Football New England Patriots v Baltimore Ravens Sunday September 23rd 8:20pmET

Listen LIVE at:

www.WhileTheMenWatch.com ~ where girl talk is a sport

I’ve endured sacks, yards and downs and still don’t get what the flags are about.

You made me sit through hours of Eli and his annoying frowny pout.

Thank God Tom Brady was there, but now Gisele’s comments are running wild.

Wait until she finds out that I’m pregnant with his illegitimate child.

I’m excited that football is gone until November

Just please don’t grow a 70s stache for Movember.

It was great to erase all the football games filling our DVR.

But don’t worry, I’ll be taping all the players on DWTS.

Who am I kidding, now there is just more room for hockey season,

At least guys in the NHL don’t wear makeup under their eyes without reason.

I know you would do anything for me any day of the week,

As long as it doesn’t conflict with playoffs or the Rangers winning streak.

Some girls ask how I can allow your sports obsession

For one thing, it keeps us from needing a couples counseling session.

So while she finds hotel charges on his Amex bill and asks who could she be?

I know the only affair you will ever have is with a man name Sydney Crosby.

UP NEXT:

Live Appearance:  Lena & Jules visit the FHL New Jersey Outlaws.  February 14^th at 7:00pmET.  Buy tickets here.

Live Female-Friendly Commentary:  NHL Hockey February 15th 7:30pmET Boston Bruins v Montreal Canadiens.

Victoria is keeping no secrets about the Patriots Super Bowl performance.  Gisele Bündchen’s post game rant is a welcome distraction from the football hangover blanketing men everywhere.  What better way to ease the post-partum depression that the season is over, by debating the comments of Tom Brady’s wife.  We tend to agree that her husband “can’t throw the f-ing ball and catch it”.  Here are 8 reasons everyone should leave Brady’s Brazilian beauty alone:

8.  God Doesn’t Work on Sunday

Clearly someone broke her prayer chain letter. Tebow?

7.  She’s Running Out of Things to Say

There are only so many comforting words you can say to your man after a bad loss. She probably wore those out when Tom lost the Super Bowl four years ago.

6.  Tom Would Stand Up for Her

For sure Tom would defend Gisele with a post-runway comment like: “My wife can’t wear the F-ing thong and the underwear at the same time!”

5.  She’s Allowed to Bitch

Gisele was reported to have made the comments to her circle of friends who were with her at the game.  If you can’t bitch to your own friends, then sorry, but you don’t have real friends.

4.  She Hasn’t Eaten a Carb in Years

To look that hot, it’s probably been a while since Bündchen has tasted a noodle, a slice of bread or a nice buttery potato. Of course she’s a little grumpy.

3.  She’s Right

Not that we are football experts, but didn’t the Pats miss a few too many passes?

2.  Your Husband Did Not Play in the Super Bowl

Unless your name is Ms. Manning, don’t judge.

1.  Double Push-Up Beats Cone Bra Any Day

We’d much rather hear Gisele rant than listen to Madonna try to sing while teetering around on the Super Bowl stage.

UP NEXT:

Live Appearance:  Lena & Jules visit the FHL New Jersey Outlaws.  February 14^th at 7:00pmET.  Buy tickets here.

Live Female-Friendly Commentary:  NHL Hockey February 15th 7:30pmET Boston Bruins v Montreal Canadiens.

Listen Live at www.WhileTheMenWatch.com ~ where girl talk is a sport.

Peyton Manning’s cleavage seems just a little too popular for our liking this Super Bowl.  It’s as if he’s Pippa-rized the Super Bowl, robbing his younger brother Eli of the spotlight.  Doesn’t it seem a bit uncouth to be airing complaints about his team, medical results and retirement rumors when the guy hasn’t even played football all year?  This is almost as bad as announcing that you are pregnant at your sister’s rehearsal dinner.  Here are 9 more reasons we think Peyton Manning is the Pippa of XLVI:

9.  Indy is his Town

The big game is happening on his home field, but instead of taking a back seat, we almost expect to see Peyton standing on the sidelines.  He needs to act like more of a bridesmaid and less of a bride.

8.  Fans Want What they Can’t Have

With Peyton being out of commission all season, the desperado Colts fans love him even more.  Let’s hope they transfer some of the “Maddiciton” to baby bro on game day.

7.  He’s Getting Injury Sympathy

Peyton has had three neck operations in 19 months and is milking every bit of it – in a tough guy way of course.

6.  Lowe is in the Know

How a washed up 80s star gets insider information on the NFL we will never know.  For some reason Rob Lowe announced on Twitter that his pal might be retiring causing a media stir.

5.  He’s the Better Looking Brother

Unlike Pippa, Peyton’s got no junk in the trunk and more of a mature, distinguished look than his baby bro.

4.  He Just Can’t Wait to Announce His Comeback

Did we really need to know right away that Peyton is cleared to play football? It’s not like his team will be playing again for months.  That “breaking news” really could have waited until Monday.

3.  He’s Going Through a Messy Divorce

Must be nice to not have to work for a year, complain about your boss in public and still get paid millions.

2.  He’s Tied With Eli

P and E both have one Super Bowl ring a piece, so the result of the big game will decide the “better brutha”.  If Eli loses, expect some big brother words of wisdom with a hint of “phew” mixed in there.

1.  He Can’t Say No

While Peyton seems genuine in wishing his brother the best – even going as far to say he hopes he beats all his records, he should shut up and decline interviews until after the Super Bowl.

UP NEXT: 

SUPER BOWL Special February 5^th 6:30pmET.  Tune in for female-friendly commentary as the New England Patriots take on the New York Giants.  Listen and chat live at:  www.WhileTheMenWatch.com ~ where girl talk is a sport.

The NFL relaxed its electronic device regulations and for the first time allowed players to tweet from sideline computer terminals during the Pro Bowl. Experts say the NFL was experimenting with social media to increase the typically low ratings of the event. Don’t even get us started on why they bother at all with exhibition games in the first place. Since they are relaxing rules, why not also ramp up the Super Bowl by allowing tweets on the big day?

Alas, for now, mobile devices will be banned on the sidelines at Super Bowl XLVI, but sources say some players may be sneaking in a tweet or two anyways. Here are 11 predicted tweets from our favorite football superstars:

11. Eli Manning, New York Giants Quarterback:

Tom Brady is my hair idol. #poutyface

10. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots Head Coach:

How does this twitter sh*% work anyway? Get me a pen and paper dammit! #F*ingKids

9. David Carr, New York Giants Quarterback:

Eli don’t catch the flu again or I might actually have to play football. #ChillinOnTheSidelines

8. Victor Cruz, New York Giants Wide Receiver:

Kind of tired of being the only guy breaking a sweat on the field. #FatGuysCantRunFast

7. Tom Brady, New England Patriots Quarter Back:

Have a box of tissues ready if I win the #SuperBowl. #NiagaraFalls

6. Sterling Moore, New England Patriots Youngest Player in the Super Bowl:

Who’s Madonna? #BornInThe90s

5. Tom Coughlin, New York Giants Head Coach:

It’s way past my bedtime, bring on a Gatorade shower and let’s call it a night. #ImOldAllThisExcitementCouldKillMe

4. Kim Kardashian, Professional Athlete Stalker:

Do I want a Giant or a Pat? Going to try to break a personal record with 73 days #RichWideReceiver

3. Rob Ryan, Dallas Cowyboys Defensive Coach:

I’m over not making it to #SuperBowl. Now get me more bbq sauce. #RibTherapy

2. Tim Tebow, Denver Broncos Quarterback:

God, are you there? It’s me, Tim. #WornOutKnee

1. Madonna, Super Bowl Half-Time Show Performer:

I won’t be flashing a nip since everyone has already seen my boobs. #MaterialGrandma

UP NEXT:

SUPER BOWL Special February 5th 6:30pmET. Tune in for female-friendly commentary as the New England Patriots take on the New York Giants. Listen and chat live at: www.WhileTheMenWatch.com ~ where girl talk is a sport.

Girls, the good news is that there is only one more football game left in the season. The bad news is that until Super Bowl Sunday, there are no games to entertain the obsessed man who will instead be analyzing, predicting and fantasizing your ear off until the big day.  For those that find themselves on the receiving end of football blather this week, here are ten things every woman should know about the game:

10.  More Coaches than Kardashians

The sidelines are packed with guys in uniforms who don’t actually play.  Aside from the water boy and shoe-lace tiers, most of the unknown guys on the sidelines are specialized coaches.  Our research shows that the random coaching staff are also some of the best looking men on the field, so focus on the background when the camera pans that way.

9.  Celebration Means Nothing

You see a guy dancing, butt slapping or even running up to the audience with his arms in the air.  Did he score a touchdown? Usually not.  For some reason, it is acceptable to do cart wheels for moving three steps forward and getting tackled.

8.  Get a Kick out of the Kicker

If a 300lb line backer is not your type, pay attention to the kicker.  As far as we can tell the guy gets paid just to kick without having to deal with any of that running, catching or tackling business, so he’s got a sweet gig. He’s usually got a slender build and he will never get his nose broken.

7.  Problem with Old Refs

Check out the referees and if they look older than your dad, its bad news, especially if it’s a night game.  Reason being is that old men get cranky after 10pm, (sound like your dad?).  Cranky men with colored flags means the game will just take even longer to finish.

6.  Only 2 Things Matter

Yard line, down, rush, punt, blah, blah, blah.   It’s not necessary to focus on these details.  The only two things that you really need to watch for are running and catching in the end zone. Everything in between is a convoluted series of stops and starts.

5.  Men Don’t Even Understand New Rules

The NFL has new post-season rules affecting overtime.  The rules are so new that networks even have to post a full screen of text on the TV just to explain how it’s going to work. Read the text, it’s pretty logical. Then watch all the men in the room argue over whether or not a field goal will win the game. It’s hilarious.

4.  Only One Athlete on the Field

Aside from the quarterback, most of the players on the field could not run more than ten steps at full speed if their life depended on it.  But, keep an eye out for the one receiver who somehow ends up getting the ball every time and actually is physically capable of a sprint. He’s usually the dirtiest and the only one to break a sweat.

3.  It’s Rain or Shine

We fully support the NFL policy to play rain or shine.  Baseball rain delays are for wimps.  Football does not stop for bad weather, so someone tell us why the camera is always covered in raindrops that show up on our TV screen.  Its 2012, get an umbrella for the cameraman please.

2.  Ten Seconds is a Lifetime

Don’t allow yourself to do a celebration dance when you see ten seconds remaining on the clock.  It will take a good 15-20min of real time to run down ten seconds.  That’s enough time to squeeze in a power nap.

1.  It’s Ok if the QB Gets the Flu

If by chance the quarter back (a-hem, Eli Manning) should happen to get sick (god forbid), it’s good to know there is always another one waiting in the wings.  In the case of the New York Giants, the back up quarterback (a-hem David Carr our b.f of the game) gives Tom Brady a run for his money.

UP NEXT

Tune in for LIVE female-friendly commentary: 

Chicago Bulls v Miami Heat on January 29^th @ 3:30pmET.

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY:  New York Giants v New England Patriots February 5th

Listen LIVE at www.WhileTheMenWatch.com ~ where girl talk is a sport.