The season of “sevens” is upon us.  Whether he’s watching hockey, baseball or basketball, game seven is time to lock up the long distance call with your sister, hide the kids and move all sharp objects (especially, if your man is a Maple Leafs fan) away from the television.

Playoff sports have the power to turn otherwise reasonable, introverted men into wild shaking beasts of fury.  The gamezilla effect is even more pronounced when the guy is part of a pool or worse, – has money on the game.  Short of relocating during playoffs, here are our top seven tips for what NOT to say while game seven is on:

7.  “Sorry the last period didn’t record.”

Be very afraid if your guy has left you in charge of taping the game and you or your cable box somehow screw it up.  Actually, be afraid even if you had nothing to do with the recording, but are in the same room with him when he realizes that part of the game is missing.  Let’s face it, DVR technology was made by hamsters because the things never work.  Save yourself the drama and record the show listed immediately after the game in case it goes into overtime.

6.  “Why don’t you watch the game at the bar with the guys?”

The day Lena’s husband called the bar before leaving home to ask if they would be serving “volume” on the big TV, we realized just how serious a sports addict we were dealing with.  A true sports freak does not want to watch the game in a crowded bar without sound, the ability to rewind and god forbid people talking to him during a replay.

5.  “You won’t believe what happened to me today on the way home!”

Short of losing a limb or meeting a guy with free tickets to the game, there is pretty much no story that he wants to hear during game seven.  That said, you can usually get him to agree to anything at times like this, because he thinks you will end the conversation if he says “yes”.

4.  “Can you turn it down? I’m going to sleep.”

For some reason the playoff game is best enjoyed with the volume blasting louder than usual.  Not the greatest for anyone attempting sleep in the vicinity of the screen. Set him up with a pair of noise cancelling earphones and an extra long cord that stretches from the tv to his favorite seat.  That way he can blast it as loud as he wants and you can sleep in peace.  It’s actually really hilarious to watch him yell at the tv in a quiet room.

3.  “Let’s change it when Game of Thrones starts.”

It might be his favorite show, but even a season finale is not going to win out to a playoff game, much less a game seven.  HBOGo for mobile is a great compromise for during commercials, halftime or when one team has an irreversible lead over the other.

2.  “Do you have to yell?”

We don’t know why, but yes he has to yell.  Don’t ruin his fantasy that if he yells loud enough, the players can actually hear him.  He’s not going to be worried about disturbing the neighbors because in his mind, any upstanding citizen is watching the same game and agrees with whatever he is yelling.

1.  “It’s not good to hold your pee that long.”

He’s probably had to go for an hour but now overtime is dragging on and he’s getting even more frantic.  To pause the game for a bathroom break is never acceptable, even when it’s recorded because it interrupts the “flow” of the game, which only has meaning if seen live. Fine as long as there is nothing flowing down his leg in the 14^th inning.

We dare you to watch New York Ranger Marc Staal take a puck to the eye without cringing or covering up your own face.  In case you are blessed to live in a household without 24/7 replays of this horrific injury, here you go.

The NHL and NFL have been blah blah blahing about player safety forever, but somehow wearing enhanced head/face protection is still just optional.  To that we say CAMMON!  No game is worth your brain, eyes or permanent disfigurement.  Short of a “This is your Brain on Hockey” PSA involving a frying pan of scrambled eggs, we offer these 8 reasons every player should man-up with the most protective gear:

8.  Get Head Don’t Lose it

After a hard hit, it may seem like a good idea to shake off the stars and go back in for another shift – but the glory days won’t last forever.  It would probably be nice to actually remember the night your team won the Cup, beyond your thirtieth birthday.  Being able to button up your own clothes is also a desirable skill for a man to hang on to.

7.  Face it, Men Love Gadgets

Maybe if Apple designed helmet visors that were over-priced and in cool colors, more guys would get on board.  Until then, we are counting on Zuckerberg to launch the “How’s My Head?” app enabling coaches, players and fans to track the number of hits to a player’s head.  Imagine Twitter actually helping stop brain damage instead of causing it.

6.  The Brain = Man’s Best Sex Organ

The helmet really should be thought of as the second jock cup.  Let’s give the brain just as much respect as the balls, and keep all systems functioning as they should be.  Viagra can’t work miracles people.

5.  It’s Hard for a Guy to Pull off Dentures

We are biased on this one, but not every hockey player grows up to be a Mark Messier with a million dollar smile only partially his own.  Most gals can handle a capped tooth here or there, but when there is a jar beside the bed that includes your back molars, we are not so turned on.

4.  Not All Scars are Sexy

The playoff beard is not much of a protective barrier when up against the blade of the other guy’s skate.  A scar story involving your neighbor’s dog and five stitches is cute,   plastic surgery to reattach your bottom lip is not.

3.  Visor = Much Hotter than Glass Eye

Guys, if you can’t see – you can’t play.  Get it?  We wish Marc Staal a full recovery and hope he returns with both eyes and nice piece of plexi-glass to protect them.

2.  It’s 2013 for God’s Sake

We’ve heard all the excuses for not wanting to wear visors – too hot, too foggy, no peripheral vision etc.  It’s time to break out the best technology (thank you Mr. Brendan Shanahan for working so hard on this) to put an end to excuses and devastating injuries.

1.  8 Year Olds Worship You

If dentures, dementia and Depends are not enough motivation, think of the little guy getting dressed up to play shinny and unscrewing his face shield to look just like you.

Ben Affleck reportedly shaved his good luck beard, hours after winning the Academy Award for Argo.  Supposedly, Jennifer Garner and fam were not such big fans of his facial fur.  Jen is said to have been packing clippers at the Oscar after-party in order to go home with a clean shaven husband.

As much as we will love to see Ben’s baby face back in action, we must not forget his contribution to the advancement of excellence in facial hair for a generation of men.  With NHL playoffs around the corner, those with the most to learn from the Ben Beard are the barbarian boys of summer hoping to turn stubble into Stanley Cup glory.

Since there is no stopping the playoff beard phenomenon, we offer these 6 tips inspired by Ben Affleck:

6.  Color Matching

So simple, but it’s not always easy to get upstairs and downstairs to match. (You’re on your own to figure out the carpets).  We love the Ben Beard for being the same color as the hair on his head. Whether or not that shade of brown comes out of a bottle is no one else’s business.

5.  Attach the Stache

The Ben Beard has flow because it connects all other islands of facial hair into a continuous furry landscape.  It takes skill to have beard, burns and stache all the same length with no gaps or thin patches in between.

4.  No Sneaking Across the Border

A strong man has the restraint to accept that the Ben Beard stops at the bottom of the chin.  Anything growing down the neck or attempting a union with chest hair is a crime.

3.  Cheeks Please

The beauty of the Ben Beard is that it does not take over the face completely.  Leaving substantial cheek area exposed reminds us that we are still looking at a man and not a woolly mammoth.

2.  Short and Thick

The Ben Beard has solid coverage, but is cropped short enough to avoid any sign of dangling whiskers under the chin or over the lips.  P.S This is probably the only thing on a man’s body that gets extra points for being short and thick.

1.  Natural Manscaping

While the Ben Beard looks well groomed, it’s not over-styled.  Allowing for a hint of texture and following natural growth lines keeps him out of Purple Rain territory.

The Grammy’s won ratings gold by leaking a dress code memo reminding stars to keep their “under boob” curvature covered.  Strangely, someone felt the need to remind celebrities and their entourage of professional stylists and designers how to dress.  Meanwhile, the B-listers going on-camera in spandex without professional fashion advice, are the ones we should be worried about.

Professional sports is notorious for style violations.  Thankfully, the pro leagues have modeled the music industry and drafted their own wardrobe advisory for on-camera talent.  Here is an exclusive recap of the sports dress code memo:

“Date: February 17, 2013, 10:39:56 PM EST
Subject: 2013th Professional Sports Season: Standard And Practice Wardrobe Advisory

League Practices advises that all team members and staff appearing on camera please adhere to policy concerning wardrobe set forth herein:

Underarms

Avoid completely shaven male armpits that may appear pre-pubescent and/or feminine.  Employ invisible antiperspirant or deodorants that do not inhibit arm pit hair with unsightly white clumps.  Adequate sweat protection is recommended for coaches opting for blazer removal midway through regulation time.

Jacket/Tie

Suits worn by coaches should not contain sheen or iridescent fibers of any kind.  A good faith attempt at matching dress shirt and tie should be demonstrated.  Tie patterns circa 1990 or earlier are not permitted.  Coaches experiencing dramatic mid season weight-loss must tailor suits accordingly.

Pants

Coaches should avoid use of pleats, elastic waistbands and high waisted cuts.  Belts are not to be worn in combination with sports attire. Shirts other than dress shirts should not be tucked into pants under any circumstance.

Man Boobs

Players and/or coaches displaying in excess of a B-Cup breast size should employ adequate support.  Use of tight fabrics and colors that accentuate breast curvature is prohibited.

Man Side Boobs

Uniform arm holes should not reveal folds of skin originating in the breast area otherwise known as “side boob”.

Stomach Exposure

The entire stomach region should be completely contained by the uniform during each of the following situations: standing, running, bending over.  Extreme care should be given to accidental stomach exposure resulting in display of “treasure trail” hair extending below the navel region.

Package

A well endowed groin area must not be overtly accentuated, nor appear unsupported, loose or protruding during active play or stationary periods.

(kindly confirm receipt of s&p standards)

This Valentine’s Day, we could skip the invented holiday in place of a gift that keeps on giving – the well put together look of a pro.  Here are 8 athlete-inspired looks that men would be wise to study:

9.  Mr. Ink

He’s got artful body parts, but there is a strategy, continuity and no names of former girlfriends.  He also has nothing marring his neck, hands or face.  Quality, not quantity gives his ink impact.

Example:  Ryan Lochte, Swimming

8.  Mr. Wild Thing

Everything from his emotions to his hair is untamed.  Not quite barbarian territory, but definitely wilder than most in all the right places.

Example:  Andy Murray, Tennis

7.  Mr. Slick but Not Too Slick

Always more dressed up than everyone else, without ever coming off as over dressed. He takes you out for dinner wearing a suit, but balances the look with rugged stubble or free flowing hair.

Example:  Brad Richards, New York Rangers

6.  Mr. Large and In Charge

It takes work, and usually some custom made essentials  for a big and tall man not to look like he shops at the big and tall store.  No fabric bulging or busting at the seams goes without saying.  Understated massiveness is always preferable to Brutus Beefcake.

Example: Kris Humphries, Brooklyn Nets

5.  Mr. Stilo

Stilo means style in Italian – not guido – style. Euro-inspired elements such as the watch, shoes and belt can be both simple and exquisite when done right.

Example:  Fabio Cannavaro, Soccer (former)

4.  Mr. Who’s Your Daddy

He’s old, but still got it. He doesn’t dress like an accountant but knows that his days of graphic tees are over.  He makes crows feet and a few grays look sexy.

Example:  Wayne Gretzky, Hockey Hall of Fame

3.  Mr. Man Boy

He smiles like a kid, owns more hoodies than ties and is just slightly more man than boy.  He may still eat Rice Krispies for breakfast, but after dinner he grows up at exactly the right time.

Example:  Jeremy Lin, Houston Rockets

2.  Mr. Bad Boy

He’s never clean shaven, prone to dramatic outbursts during sporting events and is borderline awkward to bring to family functions.  He’s mastered the “I’m not trying and won’t be anytime soon” look, but still somehow looks groomed.

Example:  Zinedine Zidane, Real Madrid (former)

1.  Mr. Library

His look makes you want to take him into the stacks for an adult study session.  Cable knits, tweed, and argyle can be hot when paired with modern accessories.

Example:  Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers

Jock cups rejoice. Hockey is back.  So much for getting that bathroom floor tiled anytime soon.  As the Zambonis and Zetterberg’s start up again, hockey fans are now left to deal with feelings of getting back together after a four-month long “break”.

While we expected our own men – relentless hockey fanatics – to be busting out Gangnam Style,  they instead actually seemed traumatized by the lockout.  While happy to see the players get back on the ice, their favorite game has more baggage than ever.

This got us thinking about how his response to the NHL lockout relate to how he feels after a break in a relationship.  Here are a few different reactions from men we asked and what they might mean:

Mr. Boycott

His withdrawal from hockey sent him into a fragile state.  He’s personally offended by how the league has hurt him and is not yet ready to forgive.   He refuses to go to any games.  (Although, he says it’s ok to watch the NHL on TV)

Translation:  He’s a sensitive one.  After a major break up, he will need time to build up his trust for fear of being hurt again.  He might be better at texting you his feelings as opposed to talking face to face.

Mr. Sorry, I’m a Basketball Fan Now

To him, the lockout was all about greed and was completely unnecessary.  If the league really cared about the game of hockey and its fans, it could have kept playing under the existing deal while negotiating new terms.

Translation:  He makes quick decisions and sticks by them.  After a break-up, he won’t stay single for long.

Mr. Thank God I don’t have to Watch Basketball Anymore

Unable to admit that he really missed hockey, he tried to fill the void by watching basketball, but fell asleep during every game.

Translation:  He has a hard time admitting his feelings and an even harder time being alone. He might try to find someone else right after a break up, even though deep down he knows you are the one.

Mr. You Had Me at Hello

He’s been beaming every since the news broke.  He ran to put on his favorite jersey, even though it was never washed at the end of last season.  It was as if the lockout never happened.

Translation:  He’s a guy who lets things roll right off of him – including more than a few beers during the game.  He looks to the future and doesn’t turn back, and can’t understand why you can’t get over a big fight instantly.

Mr. Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’

He feels like he’s been robbed of the excitement of a full hockey season.  It’s like someone is trying to serve him a half eaten sandwich.  He’ll be happy to watch his favorite players, but it won’t be the same.  This season is tainted.

Translation:  He’s a guy who could never get over a major relationship upset like cheating or lying.  His loyalty runs as deep as his need for order.

Mr. Finance

He slams the NHL because a lockout is “bad business”.  He argues that the league cannot expect the players to do the same job with less pay and fewer benefits, in order to help pay for a few unprofitable franchises.  Why start a team in Phoenix anyway!?  Duh. It will take major discounts and a targeted marketing campaign to win him back.

Translation:  He’s probably going to ask you for a pre-nup so that he can run any break-up situation like a real estate closing.

Mr. Hockey

To him any negative chatter is bull.  He will watch hockey and so will every one else despite what they may say.  The fans will come back as they always do.  Long live the game.

Translation:  He’s devoted for life and could care less what people say about you getting back together. Hang on to this one.

Lockout. Shmockout. If your man is a hockey addict he will find a way to fill the void.  Whether it’s watching the junior team at 4am or personally shoveling the outdoor rink before the plow comes, hockey lives on.  We just had to compile this top ten list of Sh*t Girls Say to Guys Who Love Hockey.  And yes, for the record these are all true statements used in the past 30 days.  Scary, we know.

10.  Didn’t you need a nice break from the NHL anyway?

 9.  Explain why it is so exciting to watch the junior league if they are only teenagers?

8.  It doesn’t matter if it’s playoffs, you have the Shingles!

7.  What did you hurt this time?

6.  That guy looks so much better with his helmet on.

5.  Can you move your sticks from the back seat so the kids can move their legs?

4.  Take that travel sized Febreze I put in your stocking.

3.  How will you see skating outside in the dark?

2.  You weren’t too tired to play for three hours.

1.  He may be your only goalie, but his wife just gave birth 12 hours ago.

Love this pic? So do we. Check out Diane Denby Photography.

We’ve made our cast selection for this year’s sports celebrity holiday pageant.  Be sure to get your tickets early because you won’t want to miss this star studded affair.  The first 50 ticket holders will have access to the VIP manger lounge sponsored by Baby Bjorn.  Special thanks to the NHL for hosting this eco-friendly event where organic tumbleweed has been recycled for the nativity scene.  Here’s a sneak peak at ten of the pageant cast members who have been auditioning all year:

10. Bill Belichick -  The Grinch

Hate to say it, but there is some definite resemblance here between the Patriots coach and the legend of Whoville.  Dr. Seuss’ lyrics sum it up best: “You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.”

9.  Coach Coughlin – Rudolph

Skip the mistletoe, someone please bring the New York Giants coach some sea buckthorn oil for the rosacea on his face!

8.  Tim Tebow  - Virgin Mary

We are still not buying that Tim is a virgin, but are joining the New York Jets in pledging 2013 as the year to believe!

7.  Eli Manning – Baby Jesus

He plays like a god but pouts like a baby.  Spiking his eggnog with a little Botox might set his mouth straight – literally.

6.  John Tortorella – Frosty the Snowman

He looks cold, but the New York Rangers coach comes to life especially when he’s dropping f-bombs from the bench.  Don’t you cry, he’ll be back again some day.

5. David Wright, Charles Barkley, Andy Murray – The Three Wise Men

• Gold – David Wright:  He’s raking in the highest salary of any Met in franchise history.
• Frankincense – Charles Barkley:  His frank, witty campaign for Weight Watchers still makes us laugh.  He was even caught on tape calling his endorsement deal “a scam” but somehow turned around the gaffe and made it good publicity.
• Myrrh – Andy Murray:  What a great knick name for this thrilling US Open champion.  Just make sure his stocking is a size 16.

4.  Scrooge – Gary Bettman

Enough already Mr. NHL Commissioner! The ghost of seasons yet to come predicts fans boycotting hockey all together if the lockout continues.

3.  Derek Jeter – Tiny Tim

Rumor has it that he’s not so tiny these days, but the crutch is in the house for Derek as he heals from ankle surgery. God bless him. And A-Rod too, since it’s the holidays.

2. Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez – Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus

These two sit around eating cookies while all the other guys in green do the work.

 1.     The Little Drummer Boy – Tom Brady

We will never get tired of his par rum pa pum pum.

NFL refs are fighting, NHL’ers are barely talking, while men everywhere are praying that these disputes don’t lead to an extended lockout in the regular season.  Not that we would mind a little vacation from punts and power plays, but we’ve been down this road before.  Any lockout only leads to mopey men, reruns of classic games (even worse than watching live games) and then double the regular season games all crammed into a shorter season.  There are however, some very serious unresolved issues that we feel should warrant a lockout as soon as possible.  Here they are:

7.  Lockout: Another Season of Jersey Shore

We checked. Another season of the “other” boardwalk empire is in the works for real.  We guess the premixed vodka and spray tan biz didn’t work out so well for the DTF crew.  Okay, we admit to watching it once in a while, but let’s put them out of their misery before we see Snooki do a “pump and dump” when she comes home from the bar.

6.  Lockout:  Pretty Girl Bad Haircuts

We’d love to just lock up Miley Cyrus completely, but that would be mean. So let’s just stop any new drastic haircuts.  Rihanna can pull off the half shaved look, but Miley it’s not for you.  When it comes to bad hair, there is just no escaping your hardcore mullet heritage passed down from daddy’s achy breaky heart.

5.  Lockout: Ridiculous Name Changes

Ocho Cinco is out and Chad Johnson is back in. Sick of your name much?  Snoop Dogg has changed his name to Snoop Lion after a recent trip to Jamaica where he reportedly became one with his inner Rastafarian.  Let’s hope he never becomes one with his inner Gastroenterologist. (Look it up if that alternative name change doesn’t jump right out at you).  Lock it up boys and stick with what yo mama gave you.

4.  Lockout:  Kris Humphries Whining

There is no escaping the bad car accident Kardashian tour bus, which left Kris Humphries on the side of the road.  His fault for not seeing right through the million dollar sham wedding like the rest of the world. This guy needs to lock up his lawsuit attempts and stop crying. Really, we are not feeling sorry for a so-so NBA player who has his own million dollar job to fall back on.

3.  Lockout:  George Michael on Stage

If you caught the Olympics closing ceremony, you may still be shuddering at the sight of geriatric George trying to shake his withered tail feather (in skin-tight pants and skull belt buckle if you need a visual).  We were wishing the father figure had gone all the way to prove he still had some Jagger in him and just sang “I want your sex” while staring into the eyes of the royal family.

2.  Lockout:  Taylor Swift Break-up Songs

Taylor, you are a beautiful girl but your songs are bringing us down.  Enough with the bitter songs  – either get some therapy after a break up or just start handing out your number with “call me maybe” written on the back.  At the very least you will have a happy song in your head for the rest of the day.

1.  Lockout:  Analyzing Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart

We cannot understand why the K-Rob relationship woes are causing such a hoo-ha.  They are young, rich and famous which means there will be break-ups, cheating and drama.  We (and all the magazines in your dentists office) hope they stay together long enough to put out a kinky vampire sex tape.

UP NEXT:

Lena & Jules broadcast commentary during the US Open September 9th 4pmET.  Cancelled Due to Weather

Next Show:  Sunday Night Football New England Patriots v Baltimore Ravens Sunday September 23rd 8:20pmET

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www.WhileTheMenWatch.com ~ where girl talk is a sport

Once the games begin, it takes nine months to have a baby or win the Stanley Cup. The L.A Kings and the New Jersey Devils are in their third trimester, hoping that any day now they will become proud parents of the coveted trophy.   The Cup itself weighs about the same as a four year old which makes for a fun kids party game to practice your hoisting skills.  Here are 9 more ways the Stanley Cup Finals compare to having a baby:

9.  Because Everyone has Opinions on the Best Way to Get it

Everyone on the outside is of course qualified to tell you what you are doing wrong and what exercise, acupuncturist or power play formation holds the secret.

8.  Because Everyone Wants to Put their Hands on it

It’s supposed to be bad luck for players to touch the Cup unless they have won it.  This rule should also apply to total strangers who think its okay to reach out and rub the belly of any pregnant woman who walks by.

7.  Because it Needs Lots of Gear to go Anywhere

Stanley’s car seat-stroller combo involves two metal-wheeled cases lined with purple crushed velvet.  Let’s hope it also comes with a hook to hold your purse.

6.  Because it Has No Name When you Get it

Good luck trying to leave the hospital without finalizing the official naming paper work for your new arrival.  Stanley is more easy going and doesn’t get engraved with the names of the winners until almost a year later.

5.  Because You Will Have False Alarms

In the ninth month it could happen at any moment – especially a few times which you imagine only in your head.  Getting sent back home for another three games or another three centimeters is never fun.

4.  Because It’s Gonna Hurt

The best we can all hope for is that when the big day comes it does not involve too many stitches.

3.  Because You Need Clean Hands

It’s best to wash your hands or wear white gloves when handling a newborn or Stanley.  Both will eventually end up covered in poop, beer or a variety of other substances, so enjoy the purity while you can.

2.  Because Visiting Hours are Strict

Depending on where your baby is born, there may only be a few close relatives allowed in at a time.  And no, Mr. Sheen you will not be let back in reeking of smoke!

1.  Because It Needs a Nanny

Extra help with a newborn is a blessing and will keep you from growing a playoff beard.  Stanley has a full-time guardian Phil Pritchard, who expertly supervises the Cup during lively play-dates with each of the winning players.  Phil is known to keep Cheerios and wipes on hand at all times.

UP NEXT:

Stanley Cup Finals Game 5 L.A Kings v New Jersey Devils 8pmET

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